Wednesday, January 6, 2010

(Rolls eyes)

I started this sometime in May of 2008. It is perhaps a bit jumbled, but so am I.

Are granola bars really good for you? I mean, I try to eat healthy. I had 14 of them today. Should be like "extra credit."

On the same note, when somebody says "eat as much fruit as you want" they obviously haven't been to the grocery store lately. I need to start smoking again to get myself off of my $10/day pineapple habit....I can't help it...they are sweet and delicious...

When people make the "seven years for dogs is one year for humans" statement I think they need to take into account the person's state of mind. What is longer? One year as a billionaire, single, on a beach somewhere drinking fruity drinks and having "sexy time" with random hotties at your leisure, or one year driving your Dodge pickup around Nebraska with your Polish (Don't jump my shit, I'm Polish...I just know how we are) spouse, 7 kids and possibly a dog? The earlier sounds like a great weekend. The later sounds pretty damn long life. Poor dogs.

Have you ever actually seen a kid get a Happy Meal and be so very happy with the food that they smiled? Maybe they should call in the Happy Because of a Toy Meal. They surely aren't smiling about the "delicious" burger.


Check this out:

Main Entry:
..ˈblȯg, ˈbläg..
short for Weblog
: a Web site that contains an online personal journal with reflections, comments, and often hyperlinks provided by the writer can't possibly seriously tell me that the word "weblog" was too damn long to type so we had to shorten it up? Seriously?!? Taking two letters off because it's too damn long is like being pissed that the Eggo company doesn't send somebody inside the waffle box to push down the button on the toaster for you.


Zima bottles if full and capped will violently explode without warning after about ten minutes in the campfire. I don't know if beer bottles do or not. Screw that. You throw your beer in the fire. I'm drinking mine.

Is it just me, or is there no really "tart" part of a Pop Tart? More like sugary jelly in there.

On a related note, I suppose there really isn't much of a "pop" part, either. I know the toaster weakly tries to eject them post heat-wiring them hot, but it isn't quite like pouring milk on Rice Crispies, is it?

My new pet peeve is your and you're. I know I am certainly not perfect, but keep it in mind. If I use poor grammar, bitch at me PLEASE! Let's help each other out if we can, now that we have all been out of school since...well..pretty much the beginning of time. Let's not look illiterate.

Truth in advertising? How many pro baseball players chew "Big League Chew?" I thought they liked tobacco, not a bag of poorly flavored, chalky gum...

At least the Mythbusters busted the myth about tattoos and MRI's. Whew!

I have been dating myself a lot in the last few weeks. Not dating myself like getting myself drunk and trying to get laid...with myself. More like, "I have known my friend Beth for 29 years." Scary. I am old.

On the dating myself note, I suppose that would be the peak of sexual frustration...when you won't even put out for yourself.


My horoscope today said: Any issues that pop up around the house today won't be terribly dramatic, but they do require your undivided attention. They represent a real change you need to make in your self. If there is a conflict over cleanliness, perhaps you need to get rid of the clutter in the emotional parts of your life? Throwing out garbage doesn't only refer to potato peels, old newspapers, and egg shells! Your negative feelings and self-doubt may need to get tossed to the curb, too!

Great. First I fell guilty about my house being I am getting guilt tripped by the stars for my mental house being messy. Is it just me, or is this just another wad of nameless faceless crap? Or, is it? Just what I need...more to worry about..


I never believed for a second that Cole Trickle could bounce off the wall at Daytona Raceway passing on the high side and not lose speed. If you did, I'm sorry. I didn't. It's impossible.

If you have ever heard the farming phrase "Knee high by the 4th of July" this may actually be the first year in about 35 that the adage rings true. If you don't know what it means, it is referring to the height of the corn stalks being to your knees by July 4. If they are this height it is supposed to be a decent year. Due to all the spring moisture and with the cold, wet forecasts we are still getting, hopefully the corn will be planted by the 4th of July. The last many years it has been shoulder height by or above by July 4. I used to farm, and I planted my damn roses too early and it looks like a couple of them are gonna croak. Bring on the sun, anytime.

It is rumored in the south that smoking doesn't cause cancer, that it is the chemicals on vegetables. Have we gotten so far off path in our society that we feel the need to continually point fingers? I wish nobody any disrespect, but people die. The smoking/tobacco use link has been proven again and again. When I quit smoking it wasn't the known health risks/problems that motivated me to quit. It was money. If there is some link between vegetables and cancer thank God I only eat pineapples in excess. I suppose that will be the next thing...


It is amazing that any of us are alive. I am referring to those of us that are children of the 60's and 70's or older.

We grew up without bottled water, infant car seats, and seat belt use.

We got left in the car when it was 100 degrees out, or we were left home home alone since 10 years old because we were responsible enough and our parents knew it.

I don't know about you, but I starting driving at 12 (farmer, ya know). I rode standing or sitting in the back of pickup trucks for MILES and didn't die. It was completely normal to see people riding in the back of trucks and they were alive, too.

I rode my bike without a helmet. I rode the ultra safe 3 wheeler without a helmet. I rode a motorcycle without a helmet. We skateboarded, and roller skated without a helmet.

We drank milk and a lot of it. If it gave us the shits, we just planned our day around our milk drinking a bit. (As a side note, I suppose I should be all correct and sensitive and consider replacing "the shits" with diarrhea, but I won't.)

We ate copious amounts of ice cream, even before bed and we still remained thin. But, when it was light outside, we were outside playing until the sunset and many times after.

We caught fireflies...well I did at least. I wonder how many kids these days even know what one looks like? Or if you say firefly to them they are thinking of the cell phone?

We went into the woods as kids and got covered in mosquito bites, spider bites, and wood ticks while we picked wild blackberries. Strangely enough, we never got West Nile, malaria, Lyme disease, flesh eating bacteria, or really anything that killed, maimed, or poisoned us. We still walked back to the house. We ate the wild berries right off the vine while we were picking them and we still lived.

We ate what our parents made for us for meals. There wasn't a menu. It didn't matter if we liked it or not, we ate it or we ate nothing. I could have sworn cabbage rolls were going to kill me, yet still it never became an "Eye Team" investigation.

On that note, we ate school lunch whether we liked it or not because it was also eat what they made or eat nothing.

If we acted out in public we might get scolded a bit, then maybe "the look," then we might get spanked if we kept it up. Still, my parents never went to jail...thank God. What the fuck is "time out?" The only "time outs" I knew growing up was when one of my siblings knocked me unconscious.

I have never seen any nutrition facts on McDonald's McGriddles sandwiches...thank God. I am sure they would become something else I can't eat. Maybe they cause

Is it just me or did orange/cherry slice candy taste WAY better about 25-30 years ago?

When did black jelly beans become so disgusting tasting? After too many Jagermeister weekends?

Speaking of beans, when did I start to like baked beans?

I sat in shock tonight. I took my 10 year old (she's 12 to the library to pick up the books she ordered online (by!? she's 10!). Anyway, we got home and she sat in my chair in the living room and read until supper. I mean, TV off, silence. Her and her book. She read for about 2 hours. Then, after supper she read for another hour before shower/bed. There may be hope for this generation yet..either that or I am the most boring dad..ever.

My daughter and I went to Target the other day and she wanted to get some trading cards (Pokemon, Yugi or some other of this new fangled crap). They were $2.95 a pack. I remember buying baseball cards for a nickel a pack. I told her this and the little smart ass says "Yeah Dad, but that was like 30 years ago..." I started to get mad and realized she is right. Dammit.

Why is it that no matter what is going on in my life, no matter how upset I am, regardless of circumstance, an hour in the hot tub cures it?

I was fooled when watching "Mad Max" as a youngster. I thought a person COULD turn off a roots type blower with a pneumatic 2 speed switch. Damn you Australians!

Is Jello really made of horse hooves? I watched a farrier work this past summer. Horse hooves are pretty icky. They smell REALLY badly, too. I am not so sure I want to eat that.

Taco Bell's "make a run for the border" slogan has become a regular part of our culture. You can tell almost anyone that you had to make a run for the border and they will know you went to Taco Bell. Do you suppose in Mexico that the "make a run for the border" slogan is used by McDonald's? Or maybe an employment company?

This is really just an observation. Since I live alone now, I have noticed that it takes me about 2 months to fill the wastebasket in the master bathroom. When my ex was here, I emptied it weekly or bi weekly at the longest. Oh, the beauty of the small things.

I watched Batman Begins last night. It is a decent movie, but I don't think the title is very good. I am not so sure Batman is real. How could he begin? What is it he's beginning to do?

I realized today how strange the things we buy are. My sister bought 21 bags of dirt today. Dirt. In bags. It was dirt. It was dirt in a bag. Dirt. She bought dirt. I am speechless.


I came to the realization last week that I am comfortable enough in my masculinity to buy a red phone. I have had black RAZRs forever and mine finally took a dump last week. I was looking on ebay for a new one since I am WAY too cheap to buy one from AT&T. Then, I saw KRZRs. Kick ass! Stereo blue tooth and an MP3 player...but red. Oh! Oh! Oh! There are the black ones...but they are $55 more. Okay, I'm not gay, but I like red better would too, for $55.

Have you ever had so much coffee that a task as simple as thinking causes you to sweat?

They should make granola bar flavored Hot Pockets. Just because.

I have always been a fan of Carmex for my cracked, dry lips. I was in Target the other day and saw Cherry Carmex. Hmm. Cherry. I bought a 3 pack. It sounded like a good idea. Well, my lips are fine, but it cracks the corners on my mouth like you read about. I looked on the package and it doesn't say anything about the corners of your mouth, only your lips. My bad. I think they insert very, very small razor blades in Carmex that slash the corners of your mouth.

On the same note, why do they flavor lip balm in the first place? To encourage kids to eat it? Isn't is much like putting flavor in glue?

Can anyone decipher what the difference is between Diet Cherry Coke and Coke Cherry Zero? Neither of them have sugar or calories and both of them are cherry flavored. "I ain't drinking that Zero shit, because it has too many calories." Zero. Hence "Zero." "I ain't drinking that Diet Cherry shit, it has too many calories." Zero. "Diet."


I have started biking regularly since I quit smoking. Now, there are a few things I have learned about biking recently.

1. I cannot afford to buy what everybody else considers to be a "decent" bike. This I do not understand. I don't think I need 37 speeds and a 1.5lb titanium frame and ultra narrow tires with little or no rolling coefficient. Correct me if I am wrong, but isn't the whole idea of biking to get a workout? So, I would think that my $75 steel frame Target mountain bike with the wide tires and huge rolling coefficient would give me a quicker workout. So, while you are riding 40 miles, I will ride 10. Have a fun day, dumb ass.

2. I will never wear a speedo/spandex. Girls, you look hot in this. Please keep up the good work. Guys...what is the matter with you? In the realm of genitals, you have what some folks would refer to as an "outie." Well, at least I hope you do. We don't want to see your "frank and beans" or the goddamn outline of them. Nothing. Next time, maybe leave that garment at home or give it to your wife/girlfriend (we love seeing her in it.). Do us all a favor, okay? Besides, do you know how many turkeys they had to kill to make those shorts? Lots.

3. Helmets. I think they have their time and place (when you are 6 years old and using training wheels...maybe). Maybe they are justified if you ride through automobile traffic all the time. Well, as long as nobody recognizes you. I appreciate your concern for your safety. I am not that concerned about my safety to wear one. It is bad enough with the round, half moon styled helmets. Who the hell invented the Alien Vs. Predator helmets? You are not the Predator (read:invisible) when you put one on. We can still see you. We don't want to spandex boy, but we can.

4. I am getting the impression that fuel costs haven't risen enough to justify serious biking. From what I have seen, to buy a "good" bike, helmet, bags, and spandex you can easily spend enough money to buy a hell of a nice car. And fuel for it. Forever.


I notice I have been feeling like crap for the past few days. My body has been achy and painy. There must be something to acupuncture, cause I sat in the whirlpool tonight and had a jet in a spot in my back that made my arm itch and my leg tickle. I guess the ancient Chinese were on to something...

I found pictures of myself from 4 years ago in my garage this afternoon. Talk about motivation to keep biking...

I was I could get objective reviews on my facial hair. Not that it is a big deal or anything, but everyone I talk to tells me the opposite of the person before. My sisters: One says it is really cool and it makes me older. Keep it. The other sister says it makes me look 10 years younger and to shave that shit off. My friend Amy says keep it. Wendi says shave it. The list goes on and on. What is a fella to do?

I was scared shitless this morning when I walked outside. There was a giant orange orb in the sky. It seemed to be producing heat. Thankfully, after an hour or so, it became overcast and hazy again like normal. False alarm, I guess...

I listened to my mother (as boys should) and put jars of coffee grounds all over my house to absorb the smoke smell from when I used to smoke in here. I am not sure if it is going to work , but I want a cup of coffee ALL the time, now....

Speaking of coffee...I was in grocery store the other day and was looking to buy some more coffee. I grabbed a bag of usual kind and as I turned, I saw a huge display of Folgers. Hmm. Wonder if it is worth trying? I dug through the display and found a container of "Black Silk." Hmm... It's cheaper than my little bag of coffee and it is HUGE. So, anyway, I bought it. How bad can it be, right? I made some this morning. It is really very bad.....

I have decided that if I am to ever get a pet again that I am getting a sloth. If it ever tried to run away, you would have weeks and maybe even months to catch it.

I realized today that you don't need to be a detective to be a dick.

I got called handsome this morning. I asked the gal if she meant that since I am single, I must use my hand some? She had no response.

They say when you get older, time goes faster. Is this true because we are all busier, or just more senile and since our old ass bodies are slowing down, time seems to pass faster?

I think I may be senile. I was contemplating getting a dog today. I love dogs, but not the kind that I have to take care of. Hmm...makes no sense.

I realized today that one of three things has happened in my life:

A: I have a huge ego.

B: Many of the people I meet are fucktards.

C: Both.


I bought a 12 pack of Diet Rite Pure Zero Cherry on Weds last week for $2. Thank you, Diet Rite. This is the cheapest, best tasting diet soda I have ever had. Now, please deliver some to a store closer to me so I don't have to spend $35 on gas to save $2 per 12 pack.

I have changed my mind, or Coke and Pepsi have heard my complaints about their diet pop and reformulated (yeah..right). Diet Pepsi MAX and Vault Zero are the goddamn bomb. Tasty and calorie free! .

I bought a treadmill the other day to try to keep in shape over the winter (Lord knows I need it). I have come to the harsh realization that running 3 miles is WAY harder than biking 10 miles. I thought I was in good shape, but put me at 7.5 mph on the treadmill, and I am out of breath in about a half of a mile. I suppose the term "work out" has the word "work" right in it, doesn't it? I need to find a way to "play out" or "screw out" or something that sounds like a little more fun...

Speaking of running...when doctors tell you have a place in your knee where the muscle is torn from the bone and will not ever heal without surgery, and maybe not even then, they might be telling then truth. Even after losing 40 lbs and buying good running shoes, running still messes my knee up big time. I don't notice, though, until much later because it never hurts until you stop moving...

Too bad cigarettes are bad for you. I miss them. I am not going to start smoking again by any means (I am WAY too stubborn for that), but I sure do miss them. I read the other day that if you smoked for more than a year, the craving will last the rest of your life. Boo. Hiss.

I bought another car the other day. It is a 1979 Lincoln Town Car. I thought it was super cheap and has very, very low miles. I see why they were selling it cheap...96 miles, 8.7 gallons of gas...hmmm. I thought that must have been impossible because there is NO WAY it gets that bad of milage, so I checked the next tank...106 miles, 16.8 gallons gas....dammit. IT'S GETTING WORSE! AAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!! Oh well, thanks to all of you Hybrid/Metro drivers out there. I appreciate the extra gas.

1 comment:

  1. This is great stuff. Very pleased to see you're getting those brilliant witticisms and spot-on observations down in print !