Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Obey your thirst?

To me image is everything (not really), but despite that I bought some new workout shirts (polyester quick dry) the other day.  I'm very sorry to report that they are really comfortable.  Too bad.  Unfortunately for me (and the others around me), I have started wearing them most the time when I am going out. 

I have officially become one of the people that I mock.  You know the type I am speaking about, right?  They ALWAYS (not just at the gym or at an event, ALWAYS) have on a cycling shirt or some sort of athletic shirt (even if they are challenged in the midriff) no matter what the occasion is.

Looking sharp!

Now, I'm that guy.  Well, sort of.  At least the shirts that I purchased and now wear aren't loud and flamboyant (not that there is anything wrong with that) with crazy multi-colored advertisements for random products like jelly beans, bread, tampons, manure spreaders, hair removal ointments, Chinese puppy flavored diet pills, hair replacement surgury or male enhancement devices.  Not yet, anyway. Those are all noble products and services, BTW.

Is it progression or regression?  At what point in my life did I decide that although comfortable, long lasting, easy wearing, and good looking, cotton is out?  Huh?
This is an illustration of my ass post Taco Johns.

Is that pesky cotton just too expensive?  Nope.
Is it too hot?  No. 
Does it stain too easily?  Well, it does stain, but I am pretty sure so does polyester, right?
Is there any good reason to wear plastic workout shirts instead of cotton shirts?  Not really.

I might as well start wearing a fanny pack all the time.  I think that might go nicely with the polyester shirt.  I can't look much more silly.  I guess a fanny pack could have true benefit.  It covers up my love handles (that no matter HOW much time I spend at the gym I cannot get rid of.  There is nothing taking those suckers off.).  I suppose there is nothing better than having granola bars or other healthy snacks at my fingertips all the time in my fanny pack..er...man purse?!?  Maybe some Band-Aids?  Chapstick?  Midol?  (cringes)

*rolls eyes*

I do sweat a lot.  Like a lot.  Like even more than you were just thinking.  I don't know why.  I have done it my whole life.  It could be my fast metabolism (lie to self number 1).  Maybe it's endorphins built up from my workout (lie to self number 2).  It's normal to sweat a lot in the summer (lie to self number 3).  It might be the humidity in Minnesota, right (wrong again, piglet).
Does ANYONE know what Neulestra pegafartaskin is?  Didn't think so. Sounds like a food additive.

Okay, so I'm a pig that way.  A sweaty pig.  I wake up in the morning with part of one eye open, stumble into the kitchen (begins to hum Dolly Parton's song "9 to 5"), and pour a huge cup of coffee.  I only have one cup before going to the gym.  In all honesty, the cup is like 18/10th's scale of most coffee cups.  But it's only ONE cup (I win!).  Then, I workout.  Then, I come home soaking wet, shower and slam two cups of yogurt and 2 Red Bulls and go to work.  Throughout my day, I drink a couple more caffeinated sugary drinks.  I SUPPOSE that might have something to do with this sweat issue.  Maybe.

Either way, the polyester quick dry clothing is great in that despite my sweaty nature, I stay pretty dry and fresh over the course of the day.  Doesn't THAT sound like an advertisement for some sort of unmentionable, embarrassing product?

Salsa AND cycles?  I can ride and dip my chips all at once! Tada!

"Want to stay dry, fresh, and clean all day long despite your 'problem?' Try polyester clothing.  Nothing keeps you drier than clothing made from ground up pop bottles (that contain chemicals known in the state of California to cause cancer)."

I hope it's a fad.  Either that, or I am subconsciously planning on spilling a lot of shit on my clothes in the near future.  Seriously though, who am I kidding?  I'm sloppy as fuck.  Most things wipe off of polyester.  Cotton, not so much. 

It's just wipe and wear, baby.  Wipe and wear.

Regardless, my pride has been publicly detonated to the point where I could be just another random stand-in on the set of "Idiocracy." 

Oh well.