Thursday, January 7, 2010

My boss is a dink.

Working all the time really sucks, but it has its perks. I am self employed (as some of you know) and my regular work week is 57 hours. When I say 57 hours, I mean 57 hours of being at work, answering the phone, working and the like. I don't have much drive time to get to and from work, so the 57 hours is actual hours "on the job." Aside from this, I am on call 24/7/365 for a different business I own. In our slow economy, I am working now more than I ever have and drawing much less of a wage. This is all okay to me though (as if I have a choice). Since the removal of the blood sucking woman I married back in 1996 (READ:$$$$$) from my life in the year of our Lord 2007, I can live on much, much less and still have more than ever.

Without further ado, here are a few quick reasons that working all the time is a good thing:

1. You don't need to worry about spending money on ANYTHING since almost every store everywhere is closed between 11 PM and 4 AM when you aren't at work. Thank God the grocery store is open 24 hours a day. Wait. It would probably be better for my waistline if it wasn't.

2. In today's job market what used to be "HA HA! You have to work the weekend and I don't!" has become "I wish I had a job...any job." You will no longer be jealous of your friends and their time off of work, because you will still be able to afford to live, while they will be cashing in their food stamps and unemployment checks for lottery tickets since they are laid off.

3. We are older than dirt. We are our parents age. We are the same age that when we looked to our parents and thought "Wow...they are old. I wonder what it would be like to be that old?!?" What the else is there to do, anyway? It's not like we are going to an all night rave anymore. Are we planning a trip to the bar until 2 AM and then to the strip club until 5 AM? Yeah, that isn't going to happen. I mean, what's a wild night now? Starting a movie after the 9 o'clock news? Having a cup of coffee after 6 PM? Come on...if we weren't at work we would be sleeping anyway. Don't kid yourself.

4. We have kids. I know the 10 seconds of ecstasy was all well worth it, but if we really want to get them and us ahead in this day and age, we need to keep working to accomplish it. If we don't, we won't be able to afford to purchase a second home when they won't move out of our home [when they are 35]. Then, we will be forced to live with them forever. [shudders]

5. Not unlike old(er) people bitching about walking uphill [both ways] 7.5 miles to school carrying their 5 brothers and sisters through a blizzard when it was -70 degrees outside, working weekends is a great thing to complain about. Keep in mind, most of our parents didn't. Because they didn't, our parents scrimped and saved money to buy stuff and saving money is a concept that we refuse to adopt. Many of our families were single income, and those that weren't, many of our parents never worked weekends. Mine did, but I know many others that didn't. But, in today's world, it is a good idea.

6. You are never lonely at work. Usually no matter what you do, there is somebody at work who annoys the piss out of you. If not that, there is somebody that makes you very angry. They are a thorn in your side when they are there, and you are happy when they are gone. So, you can't be lonely because it is a great relief to have them leave [CRAVING loneliness], and when they are at work, you aren't alone anyway [sick, I know].

7. It is a great crash course in internet shopping. Personally, after my 11 hour day, I really don't feel like cleaning up and venturing back out into the cold like a pilgrimage across the wasteland scavenging for provisions. I support my local businesses as much as I can, but much of my gift shopping is from Target online.

8. You have zero desire to purchase "useless" items. You will never know just how nice that new garbage can and matching towel rack would look in your bathroom. You never make it to the store to find out, and if you do ever get to the store, you are in such a hurry (to get back so you can go to work or sleep) that you don't bother noticing it sitting there on the shelf anyway. Also, all things look somewhat the same color under artificial light. After spending 57 hours of your week in artificial light, perhaps your gaze is a bit dulled.

9. It trims down your friend list. If you have no time to get out and meet new people, the potential for additional Christmas cards, birthdays, weddings and parties is greatly reduced. This is a plus in most scenarios. Do you remember your new friends that are moving next year after their wedding this year and need a trailer and a guy with a strong back to help? I don't. I pissed them off really badly last year, so I am off the hook. For them to call me to ask for help now looks as if they are only being friendly to get some free labor (of which I would probably not have time for anyway..I have to work that weekend, I am sure). I don't know how things are for you, but I routinely piss off at least 5-6 people a year so badly that they don't want to ever talk to me again. Given this fact, it stands to reason that in a few years, I will be sending out no Christmas cards at all. Wait. I am already there.

10. You don't feel guilty about not exercising much. There are few things like a 11 hour a day manual labor job that help burn about 5000 calories a day. When you are done working, you are usually so tired that you don't have the energy to drive to the gym, let alone actually do something if you got there. I recommend sitting down in a comfortable chair post work. In using this diagram, I am able to remove all of my guilt about not running on the treadmill because I am almost instantly asleep.

SEE?!? Working all the time is GOOD!....I guess...[sighs].


  1. Now this is written by a 'glass is half-full' type of guy. The glass may be full of poison but that's beside the point. Ha ha ha. More great observations. Good stuff here!!!

  2. I hear ya. My boss is a real bitch, too. Oh wait; that's me. Uh... no, that's still right.

  3. This is something that should be passed along to every working stiff. Well done.