Thursday, January 21, 2010

A letter to myself...

This is a letter to my other personality. It is a part of myself, but sometimes it really pisses me off.

It seems that no matter what conclusions I made in this life, you don't agree. I guess maybe you don't always disagree as much as you find it impossible to just say that you agree and let the matter drop. You can never seem to get words like that out of your mouth in a sentence. It just doesn't happen. Not ever. It seems to be an impossibility. It used to be that I found it very inspirational and motivating to try to see things from your point of view. It was always a good education for me. It was a way to expand my mind. It forced me to think outside of my own feelings more than ever. Things aren't much different now other than I am beginning to think the only reason you have a descending opinion is solely to not agree with me. I am tired and would perhaps once like you to agree. I would like you to agree with sincerity, not just to quiet me up. I think you are scared that if you agree, you will lose yourself. Do you think I find satisfaction in your concession? Do you seriously think that if you were to just be a partner to me that way that I would be stealing your identity? Would it really be stealing anyway? Or, is it just evolution? Maturity?

I can't help that I think those 17 year old kids that murdered three people in cold blood should get the death penalty. If human life means so little to them that they would kill people in their own neighborhood to rob enough money to get their car out of impound, I think they should be killed. I am sorry that I am pissed about this. I am sorry that I think they could have tried to earn some money and be responsible young adults versus kill others for monetary gain. I am sorry I don't think they should the rest of their lives in jail. I wonder what the victims' families would do in a consequence free environment? You know what they would do. They would kill them. If they killed my brother, sister, mother, father or daughter I know I would want them to die. Perhaps even by my hand.

When I speak of the problems that we are faced with in this world, I don't do it to pleasure myself. I wasn't sitting around and thinking that it would be in my best interest to preach to you about something in which I know we don't agree. It never crosses my mind that I am bored and I should probably start a fight. I hate politics and politicians. I used to spend my life with a total lack of interest in politics. I don't know why God threw this shit in front of me now, but there has to be something good coming out of my concern. I wonder if my worry is in vain? I wonder if this fighting in my head is all in vain? I hope there is more to it, because I really struggle when I try to shut it off.

I am a person of business. I know that the way the government is spending money that we will all pay dearly down the line. Our kids' kids will be paying for it. I don't mean to go on and on about this, but I am scared for my daughter. I am scared for all of our future generations. The way this government is currently operating, the movie "Idiocracy" is not very far from accurate. I will never like the far left wing people in government any more than I like the far right. Both sides seem to be very close minded and inconsiderate of others. I will not ever like either of those sides.

It is good to want to help out your fellow humans. It is admirable. There is just one thing, though. Don't ask me to do it the same way you do. Don't ask me to do it as much as you do. Don't try to force me to do it if I am unwilling. If you want to help out, God bless you. But, figure out a way to pay for it before you start. Don't create a bunch of debt then attempt to guilt trip me into paying for it. I help people as much as I can. I don't need my hand forced. The government is now currently attempting to force my hand. I will resist. I promise.

Do you really want to help? If you truly want to help, sell everything you own and donate the money. Volunteer your time full time. Give up on this material life and go for a life of service. Make a real difference. Make a serious difference. Do not preach to me about how I should become more involved. Do not preach to me about my excess and how I can afford to give up some more. It is easy to tell somebody else how much they can give away when you aren't giving anything up to do it. Do not claim to want to help out your fellow human but make it only on terms that are easy, neat and clean. If you choose to make things easy, don't preach to me about your righteousness. I have two eyes, two ears, and a mind of my own. I don't need you to tell me how wonderful you are. I know. I am very perceptive. I see you all the time. I see you everyday. I live you. There is nothing you can tell me about yourself that I haven't already perceived and decided for myself.

I manage okay for being a single dad with a single income. I know that what I have is good enough. I know that despite the boatload of debt I took over from my ex-wife, I still do okay. I calculated it today and I figured I have only about another 7 years before I have my ex-marriage paid off. To you this is no big deal. To you this is just another negative thing from my former life. To me, this is victory. I may not have the nicest things in the world, but they are good enough for me. My mattress may have come from Menard's and not a mall store, but I can still sleep on it. My sheets might have been on clearance, but my head still rests on them just the same. My house may not be modeled or remodeled in the latest trends, but it is clean. It is mine. It is good enough for me. It is better than the one I grew up in, and that place was still our home. I never shared your dreams of the perfect house on the hill with the 2.5 kids, dog, and the lake home. I muddled my way through that part of my life drunk half of the time and not giving a fuck all of the time. Now, this is what I have instead of what you dream for. In all fairness, you weren't here until just now, so why should you even have a say? If you want new name brand designer shit, you buy it. On second thought, don't buy it. Don't bring it into my life. The name on the tag proves nothing to me. Maybe one of these days something I have will be good enough. Maybe.

This life is a life of solitude. It is what it is. I cannot shape it. I cannot change it. It is within but yet beyond my control. It is the tip on my fingers, but always a bit out of reach. It is America with big government control. It is the crushing of my dreams, but you just keep sticking up for it.

1 comment:

  1. We are indeed very much alike. Neither far right nor far left. Somewhere in the invisible middle where things wash over us, and, at times, seemingly so intense it's as though the world is trying to drown us, leaving us to wonder whether it's more vital to breath or to scream.

    Keep screaming. Keep raising your voice. What you have to say is what's vital.