Nothing Is Provocative: Wednesday Morning Coming Down

This is an email conversation that started this morning between a close friend of mine and myself. He lives in Indiana. His needs advice on a pet for his kid.

The names have been changed to protect the innocent. Well, except mine since I just don't care.

Enjoy.

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From: TR
To: Brad Miller

Sent: Wed, May 5, 2010 11:05:55 AM

Subject: Gerbiling

So, do any of you know anything about gerbils? Other than "shoving them up your ass is great for ." I am not Richard Gere. Chastity and I are having a hard time figuring out what to get Gertrude for her birthday in June, and I'm thinking a pair of gerbils (preferably of the same sex, as I'm not ready to start breeding the damn things) would be good. Gertrude doesn't have any pets yet, while Lawanda does - 2 fish named Dora and Diego. Diego's all kind of fucked up - I don't think he could pull off the fish equivalent of all the amazing shit that little Diego dude can pull off, like rescuing whales and shit. Then again, I think Diego is full of shit, anyway. I will be the first to admit that I don't believe a lot of what I see on TV. I mean, where does he get all the money to support his animal adventures, and doesn't he have to go to school ever? Where can I get a rescue pack that turns into anything I need? I call shenanigans. How do you say "shenanigans" in Spanish? Anyway, I digress...

It seems that maybe small pets for Gertrude would be fun. I've already determined that gerbils would be better than a hamster because they are not solitary animals, and they are also not nocturnal, which would really be boring as hell for little people who are not nocturnal. Well, then again Gertrude tends to be kind of nocturnal at times, but we don't exactly want to promote such behavior...

Sorry, I digressed again. Anyway, any thoughts? Does anybody know if the Humane Society has gerbils? If we do this, and we get two of them, I am sure they'll probably be named Dora and Diego.

From: Brad Miller
To: TR

Sent: Wed, May 5, 2010 12:42:46 PM

Subject: Re: Gerbiling

Dude...they stink. They are a pain in the ass. Your kids will let them loose in the house. You will search for them (and seriously, one second of searching makes them not worth having). Fuck them. [Do you think we have time?]

Get goldfish. Seriously. I have had the same one in an old fashioned bowl for over 3 years now and I got it at the fair from a carny (SWEET!).

[Breaks into verse "Lord, I was born a ramblin' maaaaannnnn...."]

Relaxing to watch. Cheap.

Fish are the answer. I would get a cat before I got a gerbil or hamster just because I have seen the hell Greg went through with his. I hate cats. Fuck cats. [Do you think we have time?]

You should get a dog. Or, maybe a lion. Seriously, NOBODY fucks with a lion. You could get some deer to feed the lion and twist that into a nice Christmas theme and relish taking them to your neighbor's yard to shit.

Good luck!

P.S. If you got a large python, you could feed your lion to it if didn't work out as a good pet.

P.S.S. If you got a monkey, you could have a Indy based "B.J. and the Bear" reality television series.

From: TR
To: Brad Miller

Sent: Wed, May 5, 2010 11:49:54 AM

Subject: Re: Gerbiling

Cool, thanks for the honest advice. Maybe fucking them is the answer (assuming we have time)...

We do have the two goldfish in one aquarium already, and maybe a second one would be alright. My big gripe is that the aquarium goes well beyond our birthday budget - we try to keep it simple for Christmas and birthdays: no more than 3 gifts under $100 total. We prefer to spend all our holiday money on fireworks for Halloween. The kids also love getting mommy to show her boobs for beads on Fat Tuesday. It's a new family tradition, although I hope the cops and child protective services showing up was just a three-time deal...

From: Brad Miller
To: TR

Sent: Wed, May 5, 2010 12:57:04 PM

Subject: Re: Gerbiling

All you need is a bowl, dude. We have no electronics of any kind. We have no filtering devices. Zip. Zero. Nada. Just a goddamn bowl with a fucking Spongebob pineapple house in it. That's it. My goddamn fish doesn't need to be spoiled by lavish things.

[Breaks into verse of "Take This Job and Shove It" for no reason.]

Greg seriously had those little animals and the kids let them loose. He ended up getting rid of them (BANG!) because of the smell and the trouble they caused.

You should get your kids plants.

If you got your kids plants, you could get a monkey to trim the plants for you.

From: TR
To: Brad Miller

Sent: Wed, May 5, 2010 12:08:20 PM

Subject: Re: Gerbiling

You certainly have a lot of good ideas. Getting plants so I can get a monkey to trim them is genius (guinness?). I can tell you graduated from HL-W, home of the finest public education system in Howard Lake, Minnesota.

A bowl?!?!? What kind of life is that? Will a fish be able to truly know who they are in such an environment? I mean, granted it doesn't quite have the excitement level of being in the wild and being constantly attacked by sharks, but it seems a bit more meaningful. They can go over in one corner and look at the blue rocks, or go over the the other corner and look at the blue rocks, or maybe go up to the top and back down...

lol!

*goes off to research orangutans like in Smokey and the Bandit or Mad Max or whatever the fuck it was - Clint Eastwood kicks ass...