No Exit Needed.

"I've got arms,
And I've got arms
Let's get together and use those arms!
Let's go!
Times a wastin'!"
Time's A Wastin'  (June Carter Cash)

In a time of uncertainty and chaos in the world of life and relationships I have asked somebody participate in a very old tradition with me.  I have done what I said I would never do again.  Ever.  I have asked a woman to be my wife.  I asked a girl to marry me.  And, she accepted.

                                                    
With the divorce rate in this country hovering at a little over 51% the idea of marriage could be a frightening one.  When you factor in that the divorce rate has actually dropped a little in the past few years because people just aren't getting married anymore, it could become even more scary.  Numbers and statistics can be hard to ignore, can't they?   Does anybody really ever say "forever" and mean it?  Odds are that if you have at one time or another, there is a little better than a 50/50 chance that you will end up divorced.  Think of ten of your friends that are married and imagine that 5.1 of them gets divorced in the next few years.  That's not really very good odds, is it?  Then, when you factor in that the actual rate of people staying together for the long term is lower yet since many people aren't even bothering to get married since their confidence in the idea of it lacks luster.  Many people feel that getting married just complicates the breakup.  I think that they are right in thinking that since marriage does really complicate the breakup.  So, why get married if you are just going to split up eventually anyway?  Then again, why stay with somebody for any amount of time if you are planning on ending it someday, anyway?

                                         
What makes my relationship so special that after less than half of a year, I am willing to commit for the rest of my life?  Am I a fool?  Is she?  Are we both just dumb and in love?  Are her and I both living in an unrealistic fantasy mindset in which no matter what happens things will just magically work out?  Just because?  Do people really stay in love anymore?  Do people ever stay together anymore?  Really?  When people say "I do" do they really mean "I do for now?"  Or do they mean, "I do until something better comes along?"  Do people just keep looking to stoke the fire inside of them, and if it starts to dwindle are they ready to fly away to find a new source of fire?  Is it ego?  Is it pride?  Is it selfishness that people decide to end their relationships?

I think my relationship is different than most.  I think that her and I are different than most people.  I have left myself no exit strategy.  I have asked her to leave herself no open exit door.  For the first time in my life, I want to be married.  For the first time in my life I want this one precious person to share my every waking moment.  I look at her and I know that it is right.  I know that I want her and her only.  I want this one person to be with me, equally and beside me no matter what comes our way.  I don't want a way out with her.  I don't need to leave myself a lit exit door because I know that together her and I can conquer anything this life can bring in front of us.  I look at my parents with envy for the 46 years that they have been together and I know that they are still very in love.  I want to be the way that they are, forever.  I have found the person that I can do that with.  It is very exciting!

I know no matter what happens, she has given me the best times of my life.  There is nothing anybody can do to erase that.  There is nothing anybody can say to tarnish that.  That's why I love her and want her without holding back.  That is why I don't need a good exit strategy.  I don't need an easy way out.  I don't need any way out. 

I can't wait to be her husband.   I cannot wait to call her my wife.

Because.

In this world I think most of us, if given a choice, would take the path of least resistance.  We would never have to fight to have what we want.  Well, there are some of you out there that would disagree, but I know that when you get home at night, you're alone, and there isn't anyone for you put your super-tough-as-nails face on for, you would agree.  We all, as a species, truly want peace.  We want low stress.  It is in our nature.

In this life many times we are presented with problems and situations that not only ask a lot from us, but sometimes way more than we ever thought we have to give.  Questions arise.  Why me? Why this?

Why do I always have my neck on the line?  Because you can.  Because your neck is tough.  It has been there before and has persevered.  If it hadn't, you wouldn't be here today.

Why am I always the one who has to give a little extra?  Because you can.  It is in your abilities to give a little extra maybe at a higher level than those others around you.  You can do it. 

Why is my life always put on hold for the needs of others?  Because you are able to give more in your life than they can.  You have the gift of giving of yourself at a higher level than some other people without having your life put into an upheaval in doing it.  If your life IS put into disarray because of it, you have the ability to recover quickly.  Be thankful for that gift.

Why am I always the one that has to forgive?  Because you can.  You have it in you to forgive.  You have it in you to see past the shortcomings or unfavorable actions or reactions of others and cut them some slack even though they may not return that slack to you.  But, you know it is okay because you look at the big picture and try not to trouble yourself with the petty.

Why do things always have to be so hard?  Because God knows what you can take and won't give you more than that.  Because you can survive almost anything.  You have spent your whole life training to continue your life.  Because instead of just looking like you are tough-as-nails, although you may not feel like it, you are tough as nails.

Why does it seem like I work so hard but never get ahead?  Every day you wake up and have a roof over your head and food in your mouth, it is a good day.  If you have people to share this day with, it is even a better day.  You have gotten ahead just by getting through your day.  You are a success.  Revel in it.

What am I supposed to do now?  Breathe.  Think.  Breathe some more.  There is a path.  There is a way.  You will find it.  You have always found it before.  You will find it again.  And, this path, whether it is right or wrong, is your path.  This is the way things are supposed to go.  This is what you are supposed to do.

What if I make a mistake?  Then you are human.  If the people that are important to you can't look past it, then you need to surround yourself with people that accept you as a human.  If you fall, you get back up, dust off, and continue.  That's what you do.

What is really important in this life?  Love. God. Kindness.  Family.  Friends.  It certainly isn't houses, cars, boats, jobs or anything else that could easily be burned, destroyed, or discarded as rubbish.  The moments we share with the people that care define our lives.  That's all there is to it.

This is what was on my mind today.

Damn, it feels good...

"Now gangsta-ass niggas come in all shapes and colors
 Some got killed in the past
 But this gangtsa here is a smart one
 Started living for the Lord and I last." 
 "Damn It Feels Good to Be a Gangsta" Geto Boys 

There is no reason to keep score.
There used to be a reason.  Hell, there used to be reasons.  Not anymore.  Now, there is just the goal. Now, there is just my life.  Now, there is reality and keeping score messes up reality.  Aside from that, what good does keeping score do other than feed resentments and hostility?  Any?  Nope.  So, never again.

Throw away that useless pride. 
Seriously, it is time, anyway.  The ten-year-old inside me can kick that dented can around all day with my lower lip sticking out, but it doesn't do any good.  In my old life, that little kid might had escalated his frustration into something else.  But, in this life there is really no point.  The little kid is safe.  The little kid is sensitive, but he's still in love.  He needs to learn patience.  It is in his best interest.  This is tough sometimes.

Just because something isn't comfortable, doesn't mean it isn't safe.
Even though at times the scared little shithead inside of me panics for no good apparent reason.  Is this part of my "ism" or is it just fear from a life lived less pretty?   I think it is both.  My old life was one of drinking, paranoia and deceit, but that really has little to do with my current life.  But, I don't have the ugly old reality of my past anymore so there is no sense is buggering up about it.  It takes a fool to spit in the face of honesty because of fear.  There have been many days that I have been that fool.  But, not today.

Live in the now.
Experience teaches us many things.  Some of them are better unlearned, I think.  Experience could teach you that if you are out of money and keep writing checks anyway, that the checks may bounce and you could land yourself into some trouble.  But, experience in the realm of relationships seems somewhat pointless.  There simply are too many variables in a romance to use the experience from your past to label it our shelf it.  See?!?  It's easy! 

I have learned scads about myself in the last 3 months.  Wow, that great handle I thought I had on my emotions and on my life is maybe not as great as I thought it was when it comes to having a relationship with the absolute intimacy and absolute honesty.  When you keep others arm's length your whole life, it is easy to run your life with a rule of seemingly rational thinking and lack of emotion.  It is easy to see the sound (yet perhaps emotionless) decisions and if they don't work out, it really doesn't matter anyway.

This life I have now has an entirely different set of rules.  So, I need to remember to brace for them.  Sit down.  Breathe.  Know that things are okay.  Have faith.  Faith is a good thing.

To quote my beautiful, wonderful and amazing girlfriend, "I am a work in progress."  She's brilliant, you know.  I AM a work in progress, too.  And, I love her.  I am not letting her go.

So sorry..or am I?

I hate to say I have little to write about these days.  I have things to write about, I guess.

I could write about my now newly expanding list of things to do before I die. But, who wants to read about that?

I could write about the places I want to go to that I wasn't very interested in before, but do you care about that?

I could write about the amazing awakening I have felt in these past couple months and how because of the inspiration I have felt, I am forever changed. But, who wants to read about that?

I could write about the rapid pace of which this love in my life is going and possibly expose myself to your frowns of disapproval. Well, maybe not disapproval but more words of caution. Either way I could write about it and how wonderful it is and read your reactions of mock vomiting and bad movie line quotes. In my defense I could explain to you that I know what I am doing and I am a sober, mature adult and I have never been so sure of anything in this life before. But, why bother? I am not so sure you will understand.  I am almost certain you won't.

I could write about all of the plans I have for my future that didn't exist in July of this year and are becoming reality right now.  I am not talking about simple, trivial things, either. I mean big, huge, serious friggin' plans.  But again, would you tell me to go for it?  Would you tell me to pump my brakes?  Would you tell me anything at all?  Hmm...

Is it a time for a more introverted life? I don't think so. Is it time to keep more of my private thoughts to myself or share them only with the person that inspired them? Perhaps so. I don't want to have this love I have diluted or polluted with any negative thoughts.  Maybe Howard Stern's ex-wife had it right.  Maybe I need to retain some "private parts" in my life now.

Some things are for sure. I hear slow songs in my head all day long now and I have for almost 2 months. I have longing and pining during my days that I have never experienced. If I wake up in the morning and I am alone, I feel that half of me is missing.  I watch my phone waiting for it to ring or beep as if it was the television.  I can't eat.  I can't sleep.  Yet,  I have more energy than I had before.

I am in deep in this love thing.
I am going to keep this one.
I am not letting her get away.