When i grow up...

many people spend a lot of their lives trying to figure out "what to be" when they grow up.

when you are college age, it is a huge overwhelming decision.

what do YOU want to do...forever?  And, ever?

it took me until the fresh, young age of 36 years to finally decide

that i really don't know what i want to be.

i know that i am good at some things,

but not so good at others.

i know i have strong points and interests.

yet, i also have a plethora of weakness and disinterest.

i don't know what i want to do forever,

except that i do not want to do the same thing forever,

unless i can do or not do these things.

i do not want to work ever again unless i am in the mood.

i do not want to plan for my future.

i do not want to save money.

i do not want to worry about money or a job.

i do not want to become "presentable" or "proper" or "respectable."

i want to love my fellow human beings without resentment or hostility.

i want to see my loved ones for at least a short while each and every day.

i want to play a lot. even more than you were just thinking.

i want to go tour around the world with Amanda and Sydney,

and walk off of the beaten path all of the time.

i want to see nature the way God made it and not the way man has changed it.

i want to sleep in every day.

i want to just relax.

i want to read in the bathtub.

i want to spend about 10 hours of each day in bed,

and not feel guilty as if i need to hurry up and do something or anything.

since I don't need to go to work anyway,

my "off" time is all the time.

i could enjoy my time all of the time because i can live and breathe each moment

rather than scramble and kick and claw for a gasp

of air to breathe each moment with.

i don't want to miss anything important in this life.

i don't want to miss anything important in the lives of my loved ones.

i want to spend at least one hour of every day inside a hug from one of my loved ones.

if they aren't available i could substitute them for some other

very important person which in all reality is anyone and everyone.

i want sweet tango apples year around.

i want to carve pumpkins 2-3 times a year.

it isn't too much to ask, is it?

i think what i am really destined to be is a father and a husband.

i think i am destined to be a brother, a son, an uncle and a friend.

aside from that, the rest is all consequence.

what could be better?

So sorry..or am I?

I hate to say I have little to write about these days.  I have things to write about, I guess.

I could write about my now newly expanding list of things to do before I die. But, who wants to read about that?

I could write about the places I want to go to that I wasn't very interested in before, but do you care about that?

I could write about the amazing awakening I have felt in these past couple months and how because of the inspiration I have felt, I am forever changed. But, who wants to read about that?

I could write about the rapid pace of which this love in my life is going and possibly expose myself to your frowns of disapproval. Well, maybe not disapproval but more words of caution. Either way I could write about it and how wonderful it is and read your reactions of mock vomiting and bad movie line quotes. In my defense I could explain to you that I know what I am doing and I am a sober, mature adult and I have never been so sure of anything in this life before. But, why bother? I am not so sure you will understand.  I am almost certain you won't.

I could write about all of the plans I have for my future that didn't exist in July of this year and are becoming reality right now.  I am not talking about simple, trivial things, either. I mean big, huge, serious friggin' plans.  But again, would you tell me to go for it?  Would you tell me to pump my brakes?  Would you tell me anything at all?  Hmm...

Is it a time for a more introverted life? I don't think so. Is it time to keep more of my private thoughts to myself or share them only with the person that inspired them? Perhaps so. I don't want to have this love I have diluted or polluted with any negative thoughts.  Maybe Howard Stern's ex-wife had it right.  Maybe I need to retain some "private parts" in my life now.

Some things are for sure. I hear slow songs in my head all day long now and I have for almost 2 months. I have longing and pining during my days that I have never experienced. If I wake up in the morning and I am alone, I feel that half of me is missing.  I watch my phone waiting for it to ring or beep as if it was the television.  I can't eat.  I can't sleep.  Yet,  I have more energy than I had before.

I am in deep in this love thing.
I am going to keep this one.
I am not letting her get away.