Complications. My life could be simpler and more painless.
Yesterday at work I was jacking my Harley with the new motorcycle jack I bought and got distracted [probably by something shiny]. The jack handle I was using slipped out of my hand and since it is spring loaded, it swung up and smoked me in the eye. How clumsy am I? How stupid is this?
Nice shiner! So now, for the next couple of days, I will look like Timmy that fell off of his bike on the way to school. Sweet.
At work today, I remembered my damaged eye. But, I didn't remember it enough I guess. So, I smashed the crap out of my finger so the body parts would match.
Having a bruise or two on the outside is a nice metaphor to my life. Damaged, but not broken? Maybe broken? I don't know.
I would think at my age, things would get easier to deal with. I seem to have this problem, you see. I don't know what "normal" people do in a relationship. I seem to be difficult to deal with and frustrated much of the time. I try to search deeply in my feelings and establish true motive for my actions. Do I hold a grudge? Why do I react this way to that situation? Why do I react that way to this situation? Am I fair? Am I respectful? I am ridiculous? What do I get out of acting a certain way? What do I hope to accomplish with this relationship? Remember, I am a student of failed relationships. Hopefully eventually I will become a success story rather then a "who-is-he-dating-now?" But, I struggle. I wrestle with myself. I argue with my mind. I am not naive anymore, am I? Do I truly have unrealistic expectations for a person in my life? You see, the only thing that is constant in my dating life is me. Am I really the problem? It can't always be somebody else's fault, can it? I think not.
I also tend to turn this intense scrutiny into the life of my female counterpart. I think she does the same to me. We do this. We nitpick. We bicker. We frown. We argue. We scowl. It is what we do from time to time.
I asked her tonight amidst one of these "disagreements" what normal people do. I asked if her and I were normal people, would we get mad at each other, then head up town and have a few cocktails and forget about it all? Is that what normal people do? Or, do normal people skim past much of the depth in some areas of their relationships because they don't want to know? Or, do they know that what they find there could become an argument? Or, do they really not care enough to find out either way? Do they avoid asking some questions because the "talk" could get ugly?
I remember a time in my life when I was very unhealthy. But, I was somewhat happy, wasn't I? I spent much of my life with a smile on my face. I plodded along not paying attention to anything. I ignored the "life" around me. I lived in the tiny world of my mind and there really wasn't anything getting to me there. I worked when I wanted to, but not always when I should. I didn't care. I smoked, drank, and raced cars. I was going to live forever. I was successful in every endeavor I had desire to be. Or, was I? But, it all came to an end. It was here one day and gone the next. I held what I thought was satisfaction in my hand, and then it was gone. Nobody took it from me. I lost it. I gave it away. I took it from me.
The elusive "it." The "it" I am referring to is the American dream life with the house, spouse, 2.5 kids and the good job. Although I thought I had "it," I realize that I never did. I had a bag of fool's gold happiness. I had a nugget of pyrite maturity. I didn't know a thing about life. I didn't know a thing about living. I wasn't a part of "it." I wasn't party to "it." The first time I entertained the idea that I might not know everything that there is to know, I lost my confidence in the "it" I had. Later, I came to know that I don't know much of anything. Certainly I don't know about "it."
So, what do people that don't drink or do drugs do? What do normal people do? Do they sit down and discuss things? Or, do they know when a subject could end badly and skirt it? Do they just not care enough to ask in the first place? Do they beat their heads against the wall until they bleed and THEN head out to the bar for some liquid forgetfulness? Do they decide that whatever their significant other says or does that they still love them? I guess that pretty much simplifies things. Wait. Does it?
It's still a mystery. One thing is for sure. I am glad to be busy at work. Also, I need to watch what I am doing. I don't heal as fast as I did when I was 20. I don't really heal very fast in any regard.
4 weeks ago