Friday, February 5, 2010

The Un-me.

An exercise in sarcasm.

I will go along with whatever you say because I am sure you are right. I am sure you have my best interest in mind. I am sure whatever you are thinking is what's best for me.

I trust you. I have many reasons not to trust you, but I do anyway. I mean, I think I like you and I trust me. So, if I trust me, I guess I trust you, too.

I won't question anything you say. I think you have a good handle on the world. I am sure anything you say you have researched before you said it. I don't spend much time researching things. I think that if you think something is right, I do too.

I think you should have almost every dollar I earn. I hope to pay this money in as a tax, but if I can't, maybe I can pay it as a penalty or something else along those lines.

I love working six days a week and I would love to donate what I have to help strangers before I bother helping myself or my family.

I think it is fair for me to work six days and week and be on call seven days a week when you aren't working at all. I know you aren't looking for a job, but maybe something you like will come along. Until then, I will help by working extra.

I love working with the general public. The ones I don't like are the few people that aren't very challenging because they pay their bills on time and aren't constantly trying to cheapen up their repairs.

I would love to pay more property tax. The $30,000.00 a year I pay now on my work building and the $3500.00 I pay for my house may seem like a lot, but I just hope it is enough to help in this dark economic time.

I prefer it if you can diagnose your own problem with your car and attempt to fix it yourself. I don't mind trying to correct your mistakes. It is a good learnig process for you and me.

I enjoy diagnosing the problems with your car so you can fix them yourself. My shop operates solely on good will and a dream so I have no need for pesky money burdening me.

I enjoy it when you talk down to me and swear at me. I know I am beneath you and I don't deserve your respect. I think when you insult me and use profanity that I know my place in this world and I know how serious my offense is. Please, talk me down to make yourself feel better. You have earned it.

It's okay if you steal from me. I think since you are taking merchandise from me, that you must need it more than I do. I am sorry I have been so blind to your needs. Take as much as you want.

I am glad you expect me to drop whatever I am doing to help you with your needs. I know there are other people in line in front of you, but I also know that your needs are much more important than theirs. Thanks for pointing this out to me.

I appreciate you coming in and interupting my lunch. Let's not kid ourselves, I really wasn't enjoying it that much anyway. Besides, what is better for me? Serving your needs or giving my body nourishment?

I am sorry the car washing machine is so stupid that it doesn't understand how you want to operate it. I know your method of attempted operation is much more throughly engineered and leaves no room for error. I am sorry the machine can't fathom your brilliance.

Please throw all of your garbage in the parking lot of my business. I thank you for the help in keeping myself fit by picking up all of your garbage. I know you have much more important things to do than blow your time walking all the way to the garbage can.

It is exciting for me to put up a new mailbox at least 3 times a year. It adds excitement to getting the mail if I never know if the box will still be there. Or, maybe it will be knocked down. Or maybe crushed. It makes my pulse race. Keep up the good work.

I love it when you call me with your problems. I know that food for me and my family is much less important than the dental work for your dog, the two kids you have had since you were supposed to have paid me, and your family's Christmas. I am sorry that I am so short sighted about your needs.

I would rather you trash talk me rather than just talk to me to my face. I respect your means of communication since if one person can get a point across, I think fifteen people can drive that point home.

You make great decisions when you are drinking. You look so cool to me when you are drunk. You are very glamorous and you are the life of the party. Keep up the good work.

I trust our government. They got elected by a popular vote, so what they say is good with me. They know what is best for me.

I would love to have somebody tell me what to think. It is a burden to try to think for myself and each time I do, I find that it can interfere with my obedience to others. I would like to try to avoid thinking for myself in the future.

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