"Now gangsta-ass niggas come in all shapes and colors
Some got killed in the past
But this gangtsa here is a smart one
Started living for the Lord and I last."
"Damn It Feels Good to Be a Gangsta" Geto Boys
There is no reason to keep score.
There used to be a reason. Hell, there used to be reasons. Not anymore. Now, there is just the goal. Now, there is just my life. Now, there is reality and keeping score messes up reality. Aside from that, what good does keeping score do other than feed resentments and hostility? Any? Nope. So, never again.
Seriously, it is time, anyway. The ten-year-old inside me can kick that dented can around all day with my lower lip sticking out, but it doesn't do any good. In my old life, that little kid might had escalated his frustration into something else. But, in this life there is really no point. The little kid is safe. The little kid is sensitive, but he's still in love. He needs to learn patience. It is in his best interest. This is tough sometimes.
Just because something isn't comfortable, doesn't mean it isn't safe.
Even though at times the scared little shithead inside of me panics for no good apparent reason. Is this part of my "ism" or is it just fear from a life lived less pretty? I think it is both. My old life was one of drinking, paranoia and deceit, but that really has little to do with my current life. But, I don't have the ugly old reality of my past anymore so there is no sense is buggering up about it. It takes a fool to spit in the face of honesty because of fear. There have been many days that I have been that fool. But, not today.
Live in the now.
Experience teaches us many things. Some of them are better unlearned, I think. Experience could teach you that if you are out of money and keep writing checks anyway, that the checks may bounce and you could land yourself into some trouble. But, experience in the realm of relationships seems somewhat pointless. There simply are too many variables in a romance to use the experience from your past to label it our shelf it. See?!? It's easy!
I have learned scads about myself in the last 3 months. Wow, that great handle I thought I had on my emotions and on my life is maybe not as great as I thought it was when it comes to having a relationship with the absolute intimacy and absolute honesty. When you keep others arm's length your whole life, it is easy to run your life with a rule of seemingly rational thinking and lack of emotion. It is easy to see the sound (yet perhaps emotionless) decisions and if they don't work out, it really doesn't matter anyway.
This life I have now has an entirely different set of rules. So, I need to remember to brace for them. Sit down. Breathe. Know that things are okay. Have faith. Faith is a good thing.
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